Marriage Guidance

Geoffrey D. Palmer

Welcome to the online
     marriage guidance service
There are several early evening*
     channels to
          choose from 

We accept no responsibility

*Hopefully      you and your
          spouse will have
eaten by then and not argued
     about the washing up 

The Rooney channel is
streaming at various times – 

     between 19.42 and 19.43
     between 19.44 and 19.49 

– loading –

     between 19.49 and 19.51
     between 19.52 and 19.58
     between 19.58 and 19.66 

– buffering –

     between 19.66 and 19.67
     between 19.69 and 19.75
     between 19.78 and 20.14

 This may be
    heavy going for some 

We apologise for the
     complex formatting and
          unfortunate repetition
But the choices are not
     of our making
At least there is no –
          overlap
Those who wish to investigate
     obsessive and complex
relationships sprinkled with a
     wide variety of dalliances
are strongly advised to
subscribe to the
Burton-Taylor channel – 

     between 19.64 and 19.74

and then again
     in summary form for
those who were unable to
log in first time round – 

     between 19.75 and 19.76

Those who are haunted by
     fear of failure
or worried about
     depth of commitment
may like to take advantage of
this week's special offer – the
Gabor sessions 

available at no extra cost

     between 19.35 and 19.41
     between 19.42 and 19.47
     between 19.49 and 19.54 –
          the trial periods 

     between 19.62 and 19.66
     between 19.66 and 19.67 –
          a short course 

     between 19.75 and 19.76 –
          and another 

     between 19.76 and 19.83
     between 19.83 and 19.83 –
          oh – sorry – a technical glitch
          but anyway the essential
               housekeeping phase 

     between 19.86 and 20.16 –
          our recommended
               stable release

As I'm sure you are aware
A girl must marry for love and
     keep on marrying until she finds it
And hopefully that holds true
     for men inclined to
          stray off course 

– refreshing –

Good advice – I'm sure – for those optimists
     who still believe in marriage
For    serial marryers
     who resist becoming
          sexual martyrs 

We feel it necessary to
     add a word of warning for
subscribers considering the
Sellers channel – 

     between 19.51 and 19.63
     between 19.64 and 19.68 –
          not recommended for
          those with heart conditions 

     between 19.70 and 19.74
     between 19.77 and 19.80 –
          avoid if you have any
          concerns about probate 

Also we very much regret that
     the Hughes-Plath channel
formerly scheduled for Thursdays
between 19.56 and 19.63
     is no longer available – 

          – 404 Not Found –

due to the volume of
complaints and the      dreadful
     associated events –
terminated by two
     dissatisfied end-users 

Fees paid in advance are
     not returnable 

We hope that your experience of
our service has been pleasurable –
     but perhaps not excessively so
and that you will
     renew your subscription promptly
     as you might your vows 

Because           quite frankly
I'm going to need the money 

My case comes up next week

---

Geoffrey D. Palmer
Geoffrey D. Palmer lives in the North of England and has worked in academic publishing for over fifty years. He has also written poetry for all that time, none of which has been published so far.